Friday, May 07, 2004
The All Fat 9
I was thinking last night about an upcoming fantasy baseball season and I decided that I’d like to build a “theme team.” The idea is straightforward. For example you only draft guys who were born in the same year, or who come from California or something.
The idea I came up with was a team made up entirely of fat guys. Here’s my preliminary lineup:
Pitcher: Mickey Lolich. Although some pictures of Cy Young make it look like he enjoyed the occasional pizza, I know for sure Lolich was chunky. Honorable mention goes to “The fat Juan,” Juan Berenger.
Catcher: Smokey Burgess. An embarrassment of riches at his position. But Burgess, of whom Boyd and Harris referred to as “not baseball fat but putsy fat,” was my backstop of choice.
First Base: How can I pick only one? This is like shooting fish in a barrel. But I give the nod to Cecil Fielder. Near the end of his career Cecil got so big it looked like he needed a chair on the field because he was getting tired just standing there. It takes a lot of work to pump blood through a body that size.
Second Base: This was harder than I thought. I mean have any second basemen in the “bigs” (pun intended) ever really been fat? I went with an old-timer named Fatty Briody. Hey, if the shoe fits . . .
Shortstop: Honus Wagner. Either it’s a bad angle or something but Wagner looks absolutely humongous in some of those old photos. Supposedly a great defensive man in his day though so I gotta go with him.
Third Base: I’ll take Harmon Killibrew in this spot. Prodigous power and great root beer won him the spot over a passel of portly patrollers of the hot corner.
Left Field: Dave Parker. Not a traditional home of the chunky ballplayer but Parker is a nice choice. I really liked him as a player and he had a knack for clutch hitting.
Center Field: Babe Ruth. Although Ruth was not fat for a lot of his career he did pack on the pounds near the end so I had to go with him. You know it pained me that they had John Goodman portray the Babe in the most recent movie of his life. The fact is that this man was a hell of an athlete who could have won 20 games and hit 50 homers in a season given the chance.
Right Field: Heck there’s more entrants here than in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Tough to narrow it down so I went with a personal favorite Greg Luzinski. It’s fitting now that the Bull is running his own barbecue joint in the Phillies’ new ballpark cause lord knows he must have packed away plenty in his playing days.
Manager: Joe Schultz. Somewhere in the afterlife Joe’s munching liverwurst right now.
I was thinking last night about an upcoming fantasy baseball season and I decided that I’d like to build a “theme team.” The idea is straightforward. For example you only draft guys who were born in the same year, or who come from California or something.
The idea I came up with was a team made up entirely of fat guys. Here’s my preliminary lineup:
Pitcher: Mickey Lolich. Although some pictures of Cy Young make it look like he enjoyed the occasional pizza, I know for sure Lolich was chunky. Honorable mention goes to “The fat Juan,” Juan Berenger.
Catcher: Smokey Burgess. An embarrassment of riches at his position. But Burgess, of whom Boyd and Harris referred to as “not baseball fat but putsy fat,” was my backstop of choice.
First Base: How can I pick only one? This is like shooting fish in a barrel. But I give the nod to Cecil Fielder. Near the end of his career Cecil got so big it looked like he needed a chair on the field because he was getting tired just standing there. It takes a lot of work to pump blood through a body that size.
Second Base: This was harder than I thought. I mean have any second basemen in the “bigs” (pun intended) ever really been fat? I went with an old-timer named Fatty Briody. Hey, if the shoe fits . . .
Shortstop: Honus Wagner. Either it’s a bad angle or something but Wagner looks absolutely humongous in some of those old photos. Supposedly a great defensive man in his day though so I gotta go with him.
Third Base: I’ll take Harmon Killibrew in this spot. Prodigous power and great root beer won him the spot over a passel of portly patrollers of the hot corner.
Left Field: Dave Parker. Not a traditional home of the chunky ballplayer but Parker is a nice choice. I really liked him as a player and he had a knack for clutch hitting.
Center Field: Babe Ruth. Although Ruth was not fat for a lot of his career he did pack on the pounds near the end so I had to go with him. You know it pained me that they had John Goodman portray the Babe in the most recent movie of his life. The fact is that this man was a hell of an athlete who could have won 20 games and hit 50 homers in a season given the chance.
Right Field: Heck there’s more entrants here than in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Tough to narrow it down so I went with a personal favorite Greg Luzinski. It’s fitting now that the Bull is running his own barbecue joint in the Phillies’ new ballpark cause lord knows he must have packed away plenty in his playing days.
Manager: Joe Schultz. Somewhere in the afterlife Joe’s munching liverwurst right now.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
More on Names
After all the talk last week about nicknames I was reminded of a game my brother, nephew and I used to play. "What would your nickname be" is really simple. If in fact you were a big leaguer, and were lucky enough to actually have a nickname, what would it be?
Without knowing us personally you wouldn't get most of them but suffice to say mine had something to do with hamburgers.
This brings up today's topic, baseball nicknames for famous people who are not baseball players. It's easy, for example:
Surely you can do better than this. Use the "comments" link below to send yours in. Winner gets a free hamburger.
Seals
After all the talk last week about nicknames I was reminded of a game my brother, nephew and I used to play. "What would your nickname be" is really simple. If in fact you were a big leaguer, and were lucky enough to actually have a nickname, what would it be?
Without knowing us personally you wouldn't get most of them but suffice to say mine had something to do with hamburgers.
This brings up today's topic, baseball nicknames for famous people who are not baseball players. It's easy, for example:
- Rush "Big Fat Idiot" Limbaugh.
- Dick "Death to Flying Things" Cheney
- George W. "National Guard" Bush
Surely you can do better than this. Use the "comments" link below to send yours in. Winner gets a free hamburger.
Seals
Monday, May 03, 2004
Boof
Around the Twin Cities this week throngs were seen gathering, at the places throngs normally gather, milling about looking restless, and generally doing the types of things throngs normally do.
In St. Paul scores of Police cars circled the West Seventh Street area, somewhat menacingly, as ornery crowds stopped traffic and then moved in and out of the numerous bars that populate the area getting louder and more emotive with each passing hour.
Meanwhile, in Minneapolis, the city's new landmark "Hard Rock Cafe" was closed for nearly an hour as a group from the L.L.L.L. blocked both entrances. Stunningly it was reported that they waved signs and chanted slogans. (L.L.L.L. you ask? That's Lutheran Ladies of Lino Lakes for those of you not from the area)
What drives these ill-mannered citizens? What hotbed issue so inflames these normally dour and taciturn residents of the Great Northwest that they'll leave their cozy Stucco coated bungalows to venture outside into the chilly April weather? Is it the fact that due to a bizarre course of events the Minnesota Twins' new television broadcast partner "Victory Sports" refuses to make a deal with Twins Cities cable operators? (Without a local deal the team's games are only available on TV. in such storied bastions of hardball as Warroad, International Falls, and East Grand Forks.)
Actually, while this is a problem, the answer to that last question is no.
No, for a resolution to this broiling conflict, City officials in both of the Twin Towns are looking westward towards Lake Minnetonka and the residential pleasure palace of none other than Twins owner, and crusty old curmudgeon, billionaire banker Carl "Mr. Burns" Pohlad.
In fact solid rumors report that a meeting was held at Pohlad's castle-sized lake home just last night. Mayor R.T. Ryback of Minneapolis, along with St. Paul Mayor Randy Kelly (he of the "auld sod"), both sitting politely on the edge of their chairs no doubt, reportedly begging the old miser to part the gold encrusted strings of his pocketbook, and do the one thing that would bring peace to their cities.
"Mr. Pohlad," Ryback supposedly said loudly into Carl's ear horn, "when are you going to bring up Boof Bonser?"
Around the Twin Cities this week throngs were seen gathering, at the places throngs normally gather, milling about looking restless, and generally doing the types of things throngs normally do.
In St. Paul scores of Police cars circled the West Seventh Street area, somewhat menacingly, as ornery crowds stopped traffic and then moved in and out of the numerous bars that populate the area getting louder and more emotive with each passing hour.
Meanwhile, in Minneapolis, the city's new landmark "Hard Rock Cafe" was closed for nearly an hour as a group from the L.L.L.L. blocked both entrances. Stunningly it was reported that they waved signs and chanted slogans. (L.L.L.L. you ask? That's Lutheran Ladies of Lino Lakes for those of you not from the area)
What drives these ill-mannered citizens? What hotbed issue so inflames these normally dour and taciturn residents of the Great Northwest that they'll leave their cozy Stucco coated bungalows to venture outside into the chilly April weather? Is it the fact that due to a bizarre course of events the Minnesota Twins' new television broadcast partner "Victory Sports" refuses to make a deal with Twins Cities cable operators? (Without a local deal the team's games are only available on TV. in such storied bastions of hardball as Warroad, International Falls, and East Grand Forks.)
Actually, while this is a problem, the answer to that last question is no.
No, for a resolution to this broiling conflict, City officials in both of the Twin Towns are looking westward towards Lake Minnetonka and the residential pleasure palace of none other than Twins owner, and crusty old curmudgeon, billionaire banker Carl "Mr. Burns" Pohlad.
In fact solid rumors report that a meeting was held at Pohlad's castle-sized lake home just last night. Mayor R.T. Ryback of Minneapolis, along with St. Paul Mayor Randy Kelly (he of the "auld sod"), both sitting politely on the edge of their chairs no doubt, reportedly begging the old miser to part the gold encrusted strings of his pocketbook, and do the one thing that would bring peace to their cities.
"Mr. Pohlad," Ryback supposedly said loudly into Carl's ear horn, "when are you going to bring up Boof Bonser?"
